I am a woman, and I am a feminist. |
||
|
|
I have a feeling this may end up being very long. Please bear with me. Typically in our society males are thought to be the aggressors. When thinking of domestic violence and abuse, many picture the man as the dominant aggressive one, and the woman as the victim. However, my story serves to tweak that image a little bit. Women indeed can be the aggressors and the abusers. My story is very personal, and something I have only recently begun to even wade through and process, so I am choosing to keep myself a secret… all you need to know is that I am a woman, and I am a feminist.
I was in a relationship with another girl for two and half years. However, I am a heterosexual female. How can this be? I committed the ultimate social no-no. I dated someone I met online, that I had never met in person. Hence, I did not know it was a girl. Supposedly, I was dating a 21 yr old college male..a very cute one I might add. It was only until a little over the week ago that I learned the true identity of my ex-“boyfriend”. (We had been broken up for almost 4 months).
My friends that had been there from the beginning of the relationship tried to tell me “he” was emotionally abusive but I just kept waiving it off. I mean I am a typical girl, this couldn’t happen to me, right? It was a fateful night at a FIFE meeting that changed my whole perspective on the relationship. The night we went to the Domestic Violence Forum. I almost left the meeting in tears because I had finally admitted to myself I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship. As the brave survivors told their stories, I began to identify a little too much with their stories. (not physically, but emotionally, of course.) It’s a little hard to explain how an online relationship can be abusive, but it was. “He” controlled my life. I wasn’t allowed to be friends with certain guys. “He” called me a bitch quite a few times. It felt like a slap in the face.. “a selfish bitch” “a stupid bitch”.. and “you were acting like a bitch, so I’m not going to apologize for calling you one” on my birthday. These words are thrown around in our society like its nothing, however, I don’t feel that you should talk to someone you love in that way. I was so scared of “him” when “he” was mad. Everything was my fault. Every promise broken, was broken because I screwed up… and when I was upset it was “grow up, get over it” This all may seem like not a big deal but, at the time it hurt so much. One day “he” was up and the next “he” was down my throat. “He” would hold it over my head all the time that “he” was transferring to UVA for me..moving “his” whole life for me.. ”he” would do anything for me..so I could never be mad at “him” (psshtt what a load of bullshit.)It’s really hard for me to tell this because I am afraid people will judge me because I didn’t get out. Or that I’m overreacting, especially because it was an online relationship. But the truth was I loved “him” just as much as anyone I would love anyone here. The good times outweighed the bad and maybe just maybe the next time would be when “he” would actually follow through with what “he” said “he” would. I trusted “him” and “he” violated that trust. A little over a week ago I found out that my ex “boyfriend” was really a 19 yr old girl. That made me so mad. I had “let” myself be pushed around by some little girl. She had lied about everything. Used a different name and some random kid’s picture (obviously) but also lied about more. She lied about friends of “his” I had talked to. It was her the whole time. Other girls that liked “him” she lied about. Just every little detail you can imagine, she made up. My whole relationship was a lie. Except, she says all the emotional stuff was really her, that she really did/does love me, and meant all of it. She blamed all the abuse on her trying to act like a “typical college guy”.. bullshit. She had hoped I would still be friends with her, but mostly, that I would be with her, as two girls in a relationship. I told her if the emotional stuff was really all her, then SHE was the one who abused me, it wasn’t some college guy act. Even if I were more open to girls, I would not be with her for that reason. And I would say the same things to a guy. I stayed friends with her. I talked to her every now and then..until last night. I started asking myself why I was still talking to her. The reason: because she was a girl. If she really had been a guy, I would’ve said shame on you, and never talked to him again. But because she was a girl, I felt sorry for her, and somehow felt like I needed to be there for her. Well I decided I didn’t want to be friends with her. I didn’t want her in my life. I don’t need someone who hurt me in my life. I sent her an angry message. I told her I can’t be friends with her, and she did what she did. She needs to take responsibility and pay the consequences. For two and half years I always did what was best for her, what wouldn’t make her mad, what wouldn’t make her jealous.. I waited around in my life for “him”. For the first time I was doing something for myself. I was putting myself first. I didn’t owe her anything. This is what I think feminism is all about-- taking back control of yourself, and keeping control. Sticking it to those who wronged you. I claimed myself back. No one was going to abuse me, and no one who had had the privilege of being in my life. Feminism is about asserting who you are, and defining who you are. Not letting anyone else define you for you. This is my life and she will not define it anymore. She will not make me feel any less of a human being anymore. I am a human being. I am a damn badass woman. No one, whether man or woman, is going to make me feel differently or tell me differently. All in all, I don’t regret anything. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned the signs of abuse and of an unhealthy relationship. I’ve learned the importance of sticking up for myself, always. I’ve learned what I want in a relationship and what I don’t. What I want in a partner, and what I don’t. I’ve learned about love and the different shapes and forms it takes, whether as a male, female, healthy, unhealthy, or abusive. I’ve also thought a lot about gender. I also learned that men are not always the enemy. Men are not always the aggressors. Women are just as hurtful as men, if not more (bc they know where it hurts) . I’m free. I’m a badass attractive woman and I’m free. No one will ever define me. No one will ever tell/ make me feel any less no matter if it’s a man or a woman. “So now I’m taking it back, taking back my life.” – Paddock Park Comments (27)
  written by youthxxattack, December 17, 2008
I'm very glad you wrote this, many people often don't believe that emotional abuse even counts as real abuse or don't even realize they are being emotionally abused in the first place. Unfortunately I have been the victim of emotional abuse and manipulation and it took me a while to realize that myself. The moment I broke away from that relationship I took that power back and was able to build myself up again...that kind of relationship can really tear you down as a human being, make you feel like you're worth less than you are. We all need to learn that abuse (both physical and mental) are not tolerable in any way shape or form.
 written by A.C, December 17, 2008
Its statutory appreciation I mean if you women had a female church (worshiping women lifestyle) no doubt its a lure for male damnation. I'm sorry to hear bout relationship but unfortunately common. Men are nothing without women but usually hate to admit and most Kind Men are harder to find than the insecure negative demeanor.
Male priorities against females have lasted longer (since time itself) than interracial conflicts so a chance was given for a female president. Its basically like this: I think women and future generation girls should start prioritizing opportunities for sending the message that "your not push overs" and women can "do anything a man can do". I just think elections were overkill for Hillery.
 written by Elena, December 19, 2008
Wow. Im so sorry that you went through all of that. But what you stated is absolutely true, you are free. Use that freedom, and never let anyone take advantage of you.
 written by JB, December 24, 2008
It's always difficult for us gals to move away from those females that are destructive to our self-esteem, be they friend or significant other. It takes strength and I congratulate you for it!
 written by blake, January 12, 2009
Hey, I really liked this, your are a great writer saying the least.
I am sorry about the relationship you had, but i am glad you got it all figured out and got yourself out of there  more power to you! I also liked the part when you added in the whole thing about how if say a man and a women get in a fight that the male is always the one causing the problem and the female is the victim, which is total bullshit because i know some girls myself that have kicked males asses before because of something they said. Here in Oregon, we have a law which is total bullshit to say the least, where if there is a domestic violence between a man and a women,the man is always charged with assault and the female is portrayed as the victim. Now i think this law is total bullshit, it makes the female's look like they cant stick up for themselves, and also makes them look like they can't start anything. And WE ALL KNOW. that males can be the victims as well and that FEMALES CAN KICK ASS.
 written by kamal, February 06, 2009
hello Madam Realy impreesed by your article so please keep rocking Thanks for share most comment are realy good so
 ---------- kamal ---------- Alcoholism Information--Alcoholism Information
 written by olive, March 28, 2009
how the hell do you "date" someone you have never met in person... oh christ, nevermind.
 written by BC., April 12, 2009
Its funny how a guy can lie and a female doesnt want a thing to do with but another female can lie and its alright because they are both the same sex.Talk about a sexist and racist world.I think that guys are better deep down inside than a female because they would let a female get away with far more than a female would let a male get away with usually.Guys seem to care most females dont they just say what the hell and will usually just find another guy while a guy will try to work it out more.
written by BC., April 12, 2009
Its funny how a guy can lie and a female doesnt want a thing to do with but another female can lie and its alright because they are both the same sex.Talk about a sexist and racist world.I think that guys are better deep down inside than a female because they would let a female get away with far more than a female would let a male get away with usually.Guys seem to care most females dont they just say what the hell and will usually just find another guy while a guy will try to work it out more.
 written by xxmandyxx, August 18, 2009
I have not been through any abuse, accept for a few friends I had a while ago... but I understand exactly where you're coming from when you talk about abuse and sexism. Everywhere I look, it's always the MAN who is guilty. The WOMAN is always the one who is the victim. I'm so sick of this it hurts.
 And I understand the feeling that others will think you're over-reacting, too. My boyfriend has no choice but to put up with his verbally and physically abusive mother because he can't afford to move out yet. I can't tell you all of the things she's done to him, It's truly horrible. He's over 18 now, and that's why he said no one would get involved. (Although he hasn't told anyone but me) but what if he was the daughter and she was the father? Or boyfriend? Or husband? Then suddenly everyone would care. It's ridiculous. She has told him that he can't defend himself at all because she's a woman who is his mother. He has actually thought for the longest time that he shouldn't defend himself because she's a woman who is smaller then him, and I told him it doesn't matter - it doesn't give her the right! If someone is abusing you, you defend yourself, Period. Because he's a man, he needs to just suck it up and move out on his free magic carpet and then call her when he gets there because everyone calls their mothers. I like this article because it lets people know that anyone can be abusive, and to not let anyone tell you otherwise.
 written by louis vuitton bags  ,
May 20, 2010
Best louis vuitton bags on sale,cheap louis vuitton handbags on line
 written by Chanel handbags ,
June 07, 2010
Buy Chanel handbags online, best Chanel bags on sale!
 written by hermes bag ,
June 17, 2010
Knowing some history about hermes bags and their product is also very helpful. For example, there is no such thing as a Hermes Kelly, because the Birkin has only been on the market since 1984. Someone who knows little about Hermes hand bag might mistakenly pay a lot of money for a “vintage” replica of this handbag thinking they were receiving an original.
 written by reebok easytone ,
July 15, 2010 Every person has his or her opinion. For example, people care much more about their heath. Reebok Easy Tone sale. You will find discount Reebok EasyTone at our website. http://www.discounteasytone.com
written by vibram fivefingers ,
July 15, 2010 Fitness shoes and MBT Shoes. Every person has his or her opinion. For example, people care much more about their heath. so They would like to buy fitness shoes like http://www.pickmbtshoes.com
 written by air jordan 11 ,
July 20, 2010
Well , the view of the passage is totally correct ,your details is really reasonable and you guy give us valuable informative post, I totally agree the standpoint of upstairs. I often surfing on this forum when I m free and I find there are so much good information we can learn in this forum!
http://www.nikemaxsale.com/air-max-skyline.html
 written by Elee, July 28, 2010 The Nike Air Max Shoes has been the greatest innovation for running shoes since the Nike Shox were released in 2000.
 written by coach sunglasses ,
August 04, 2010
One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms
looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a MBT Karani Shoes farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a mbt shoes pig?"
 written by Hermes Birkin ,
August 11, 2010
Money can`t buy Happiness?Hermes BirkinWhoever said that doesn`t know where to buy.
Buyhermesbirkin offers the high quality Hermes bags and services.No matter it is the classic Birkin bag, Hermes Handbagor the Kelly and Lindy bag,or the latest new designs, you can find them here.Just selecting oneyou will be the next Victoria in the street Comes from Shuna Sun
 written by GHD hair straighteners ,
August 16, 2010 Christian Louboutin Shoes Christian Louboutin Christian Shoes Louboutin Shoes Replica Christian Louboutin Shoes Discount Christian Louboutin Shoes Christian Louboutin Christian Louboutin Christian Louboutin Christian Louboutin Pumps Christian Louboutin Sandals Christian Louboutin Short Boots Christian Louboutin Tall Boots Christian Louboutin Spring Boots Christian Louboutin ------------- GHD hair straighteners GHD straighteners cheap ghd hair straighteners discount ghd hair straighteners sale GHD GHD hairs GHD benefit Limited Edition 2009 GHD dark limited edition GHD Pink GHD Gold Limited Edition GHD Black Limited Edition GHD Rare Limited Edition GHD purple limited edition GHD kiss limited edition GHD setlastest limited edition GHD pure white limited edition GHD rare limited edition GHD iv salon styler ------------------- MBT MBT Shoes Cheap MBT Shoes MBT Kisumu MBT Habari MBT New Arrival MBT Changa MBT Tataga MBT Tembea MBT Safiri MBT Chapa
 written by JamesTyler ,
August 16, 2010
People deserve good life time and mortgage loans or just auto loan would make it much better. Just because people's freedom depends on money state.
 written by cheap mbt shoes ,
September 01, 2010
You may not be what books cheap mbt shoes in the bookstore?
Answer: the secretary What water boundless mbt shoes on sale ? Answer: the saliva
Write comment
|
|||
| Last Updated ( Saturday, 06 December 2008 02:32 ) |
Subscribe to this comment's feed
If a female celebrity dates 2 guys she is a whore but not a guy if he dates 2 girls. Women image is seen as push over with the number of bad media profit typecast.
How do you make women and girls strong:
1. Get a female president (or a interracial female one not a different version of another male).
2. Get more female empowering heroes and some kicking some male in media.
3. More straightedge female scene.
There was a chance for a american female president which is strange and male feared but obviously the male counterparts (doesn't matter what race) got the last laugh. Women more seen this way as target practice if continued.