Just Another Statistic |
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When I met him there wasn't much to contradict his nice guy persona. He had that unassuming, cute boyishness that bubblegum pop band managers wish came in a bottle, the kind where his laugh inked itself into my memory so I could think about it long after we had said goodnight. He worked as a teacher at a local community college for a living, he had the edge and tattoos that boasted it. He was a slam poet and was my first mentor in the scene, instructing me how to hone my craft and stay away from performance cliches that would have made me just another self-righteous, yelling chick on stage behind the mic. Basically if I could have imagined the guy I'd wanted to lose my virginity to in high school he was it. When we discovered that we had both been at one of the greatest hardcore benefit shows in New York way back in '93 when I was no more than a preteen I was smitten. The romance was as fast as a double-bass drum solo done by a girl on fire. Within a few weeks we kissed and shared flirty emails and text messages so saccharine they almost made me want to say, "ew." I was so happy to have found a guy who was straightedge to hang out with in the slam poetry scene, most of the crowd in New York appeared to be pretty heavily drug and alcohol fueled and many admittedly subscribed to a lifestyle they labelled "poly-amorous." None of that behavior is my thing though I still don't judge it. He and I soon became more physical and I decided that I was going to let him be my first. It was an easy decision for me since we both shared the same value systems and he seemed to genuinely like me. I asked him if he was clean. Although he seemed so sincere and had been married (in my naivety I believed this meant certain monogamy) I knew that this was a question I had to ask. He told me he was and asked the same of me, but neither one of us provided paper evidence of test results to back it up. I figured that was a bit accusatory and too much to ask so I just took him at face value. Of course I'd been tested in the past, and had made sure that my previous encounters had stayed within the realm of responsible and safe behaviors. I prided myself in my health, after all, I'd been raised with the understanding that if you don't have that then what do you have, really? We slept together for nine months before I started to notice some odd behavior, calls that weren't answered, engagements that were broken, just inconsistencies that had never been an issue before. I wasn't possessive or jealous, I've never been the kind of girl to go through someone's stuff or pitch a fit when the nature of a relationship changes. Personalities are malleable, time shifts the nature of all relationships and unless both people are on board to fight to preserve what they had it isn't really worth getting all crazy over. But I was a little perplexed as to what was going on, and suddenly I felt that this person that I had so implicitly trusted could be hiding some dark secrets in his back pocket. One of his exes that he was still tight with had become a friend of mine. We often went out to a little Italian spot for dinner and had hilarious conversations that ran the gamut. It was one of those friendships where I felt as if I could talk to her about anything without fear of being judged. She knew about my past, about my relationship with her ex, about how I hadn't lost my virginity until the age of twenty-five. Over dinner one night I started to talk to her about how he'd been acting and she told me that he'd been getting weird on her too, pursuing her again and sending her dirty text messages, asking for sex. Now, like I said, I support those who don't believe in monogamy, but that's not how I operate. I feel that in a relationship each person should at least be honest and communicate how they feel. If I feel like seeing someone else or being physical with another person then that, to me, means something is inherently wrong with the relationship and it needs to either be fixed like a leak in a boat or I need to jump ship and row that lifeboat back to shore. Screwing around never results in anything good, from my point of view, just a bevy of hurt feelings and insecurities that spiral out of control. I also know that it's pretty dangerous. I grew up in the years of a Democrat in office, our sex ed classes were alarming and educational, and ironically helped me to foster a respect for abstinence that current Republican policies do not. So I knew that if he had been chasing my friend's tail then chances were he'd been trolling the waters for other girls, too. I asked her if she knew if he had anything, any STI or STD, because that was my primary concern. She told me that I'd have to ask him again, that she didn't feel comfortable breaking a confidence. This was a red flag. It couldn't be good news, a clean bill of health most likely wouldn't be kept a secret. I'll spare the gory gory but suffice it to say that I wound up single, in the stirrups, and being screened for every STI and STD in the book within a week. The most distressing part was that he didn't know the basic facts about what he has. When confronted he said he had contracted something through sleeping with a girl (protected) two years earlier but that he took a pill every day and it had "cleared up." He refused to tell me what it was for over an hour of arguing. Eventually it came out that he had suffered a herpes outbreak two years earlier but he was on suppressive medication which, to him, made him healthy. Even prior to this harsh discovery of the guy I had thought was so virtuous and loyal I could have told him that those facts are twisted. Suppressive medication lowers the risk of infection but doesn't eliminate it. Herpes is a chronic, incurable disease, even when asymptomatic. That means that herpes simplex (oral herpes) and genital herpes can be dormant, or without any outbreaks, indefinitely and a person can still spread the virus without knowing it. Herpes is spread both through open sores, or lesions, and a period of time where the virus sheds skin. In that skin shedding phase there is no open sore, no visible sign of the disease, yet skin-to-skin contact still allows the virus to be transmitted. Meaning that it's possible for a person oblivious to the fact that they have herpes to spread it to their lover or lovers. There is no cure for herpes. More than half of all people will contract a sexually transmitted disease (STD) or sexually transmitted infection (STI) in their lifetime yet fewer than one-third of physicians in the United States routinely screen patience for both. Less than half of adults between the ages of 18 and 44 have been tested, which means that the majority of people reading these words right now are ignorant as to whether or not they actually are putting themselves and their partners at risk. Not all STIs or STDs have symptoms in all patients, chlamydia, for example, is symptomless in most people, which means that every individual that carrier sleeps with is at risk of contracting the infection. The human papilloma virus, or HPV, (also called genital warts) often is devoid of any external symptoms. Considering how many STIs or STDs are invisible to the naked eye it's up to each person to get tested and, more importantly, to tell your partner if the test results are positive. This is where things get frightening, more often than not people avoid talking about their diagnosis with their boyfriends, girlfriends, friends with benefits, or one night stands. This can be due to self-imposed stigma, fear of being rejected, or just selfishness on the part of the person infected. It's scary to have to risk the person you're crushing on changing their opinion of you due to something that you never even asked for in the first place. But without transparency and forthrightness these infections and diseases only continue to spread. Anyone raised during the Clinton era remembers the various videos, PSAs, and health education classes in school meant to prevent HIV/AIDS. Just because this current administration doesn't want to address the fact that unmarried couples and even, gasp, young people are fooling around and swapping fluids doesn't mean that the risks have disappeared. It is this sort of feigned ignorance of our government that leads to statistics like the fact that one in four teenagers in this country contracts an STD or STI every year. Unfortunately now more than ever it's up to each individual to take responsibility for their actions and put a halt to the rising numbers by being tested regularly and, again, communicating. Use condoms, dental dams, contraceptives, visit Planned Parenthood or other low-cost clinics to be tested and to talk to health-care professionals and use common sense. Don't merely trust a person because they tell you they're clean and they seem like a decent human being. Even within the straightedge community, a scene that prides itself on purity, social awareness, and discretion there are those people who are misrepresenting themselves. Being naive only will lead to heartache and panic, or worse. I wrote this article as a warning to all of us, both men and women, both in the straightedge and/or hardcore scenes and outside of it. Get educated. Talk. The more that's left in the dark of ignorance the more dangerous these diseases and infections are. We have to let go of the shame and stigma that surround a positive diagnosis by realizing that people who are sick aren't pariahs, dishonest people are. You run a risk whenever you get close to someone, both physically and emotionally. It's up to each of us to use our heads and our mouths. We can only prevent the spread of all of these by reading, getting tested, communicating, protecting ourselves, and respecting others. Respect comes from treating other people how you want to be treated. Educate yourself. All statistics from the American Social Health Association (www.ashastd.org) Visit and support your local Planned Parenthood for free HIV screening and low-cost STI/STD testing options (www.plannedparenthood.org) Comments (4)
  written by blake, January 12, 2009
thanks for the article it is a wake up call
to those younger kids out there including myself to be careful, I myself have only slept with one person, and I am still with that person, I have been for the last 2 years. Therefore we both lost it to each other and have used condoms every time. Therefore there is no chance of getting anything. But that doesn't mean you should be educated.
 written by Ness, June 19, 2009
I do appreciate you coming public with something so private to help others in the long run.It is a sacrafice others should take head to. A true fact that people shouldn.t override. Thank you.
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March 10, 2010
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would it be okay to post a link to it on my myspace?