Navigating Middle School, Values, and Choices
Bundled up in handmade hats and mittens we met up with another family at our town’s tree lighting. My middle school daughter ran arm in arm with her girlfriend giggling and talking about the future. I wasn’t paying too much attention until I heard “when we turn twenty-one we can have our first alcoholic drink together”. The kids laughed. I cringed.
Navigating middle school is tough. Kids are vaping on the bus while others are depressed and suicidal. My daughter routinely comes home with stories of a friend who talks about hanging herself and cuts herself (appropriate steps were taken to ensure her safety). The other night she came home saying that this friend told her she was going to “do vagina stuff” with a seven-year-old”. I take a lot of deep breaths, ask a lot of questions, try to not overreact. I talk to school counselors and the principal. It’s hard to figure out exactly the right things to say and do. To her credit, my daughter understands that her friend needs help and is trying to ensure she gets it. I am also extremely relieved that she feels comfortable talking to me.
“when we turn twenty-one we can have our first alcoholic drink together”.
I haven’t indoctrinated my kids into the straight edge lifestyle. They know that Mommy doesn’t drink and that Mommy not drinking is different than Daddy not drinking. But that’s about as far as it goes. I try to provide them with as much information as possible so that they may make the best decisions, which often comes into conflict with my husband’s views on drinking.
Judge Not
When we talk to the kids about drinking I am careful not to make moral judgments of those who do. I explain to them that alcohol is literally poison. I go into detail about how it affects the body and research that has come out recently further linking alcohol to cancer. My husband scoffs. He remembers drinking fondly. When he talks about it, it’s almost like listening to someone describe the one that got away. He doesn’t drink for a number of reasons, but I think there are times when he really wants to. Which is what differentiates us. I don’t ever want to drink.
Most parents have a very real fear of screwing up their kids, myself included.
I try to teach them to be mindful and kind. To respect others, but to also stand up for themselves and those who cannot do it themselves. When the school principal described my oldest daughter as a “social justice warrior”, it was an incredibly proud moment for me, especially since she was only in fourth grade. It’s important to me that if they find their way to straight edge, it’s for all the right reasons, not because they are trying to make me happy, or to just toe the line.
The other night at dinner I was talking about xsisterhoodx. My daughter started asking questions about straight edge. I gave her the basics, “don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs”. She smiled and said, “That’s me!”. I smiled at her and said yes, that is like you. Deep down I hope she follows my path. But, if she doesn’t, that’s okay too.
1 Comment
I have a hard time trying to talk about being edge with my students. There is an X tattoo behind my ear that always catches their attention. They ask a lot of questions and I always try to keep my answers honest and brief.